I Think I've Failed Miserably...

The following is an excerpt from Housekeeping Monthly (13 May 1955). I'm not sure whether I found it more amusing or more shocking. Either way, I got a good laugh. I hope you do too!!

The Good Wife's Guide

1. Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed. I usually have dinner started...

2. Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up (the implication being, that you actually have make-up on...), put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. I happen to be a work-weary person, shouldn't I look the part?

3. Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it. I suppose boring is in the eye of the beholder. My days generally aren't boring - at least in a conventional sense - but according to numbers 10 & 13, he doesn't want to hear about it anyway.

4. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. I don't think the word "clutter" quite describes my home at the end of the day. Can we say trench warfare??

5. Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper etc. and then run a dustcloth over the tables. Not my job. I didn't get out the schoolbooks, toys or paper and dusting is clearly Andrew and Katerine's job - just check the chore chart.

6. Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. (When do I get to unwind?) Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

7. Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes (because I don't have enough laundry to do already...). They are little treasures (ha!!) and he would like to see them playing the part (are we promoting dishonesty here???). Minimize all noise (no more Glenn Beck). At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. I guess that means Andrew shouldn't be practicing the piano either...

8. Be happy to see him. Well, I've go that one right!!!

9. Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him. I'll work on the 'warm' part. My smile is usually on the tired side.

10. Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important that yours. Well, I guess that puts me in my place, doesn't it?

11. Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure (Pressure? Who's under pressure??) and his very real need to be at home and relax. It's a good thing mother's don't have any pressure in their lives. Think how exhausting it would be!

12. Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit. Well, I do my best for the benefit of the whole family.

13. Don't greet him with complaints and problems. Never mind if Katherine has broken her wrist - again - and Lida just peed all over the carpet...

14. Don't complain if he's late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day. I don't think this one even merits a comment. You don't come home, I ain't cooking!!!

15. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair (only if I get to too!) or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.

16. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing, and pleasant voice. He can take off his own smelly shoes! I'll try not to shout at the children...

17. Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness (except when he doesn't...Good thing I don't have to worry about that one anyway!). You have no right to question him. Ha!!!

A GOOD WIFE ALWAYS KNOWS HER PLACE. In the kitchen, of course. Barefoot and pregnant...

Thank goodness I wasn't a wife in 1955! I'm afraid I would have had a nervous breakdown! Did my grandmothers suffer from inferiority complexes? I'm also grateful for a husband who recognizes that my life is at least as demanding as his!!!